Is it time yet?

I have actually had a lot on my mind these past few weeks and believe it or not...I have been thinking I would like to blog. The past few weeks I have tried to make some changes in my life...and I hope that these things are actually beginning to be in the process...let me explain.
Obviously if you know me, you will know that I am very obsessed with my weight. Always have been. As a young teen I struggled a little with eating disorders and being thin was all that mattered. It wasn't until things in my life had settled down , I was better in control of my OCD and was earning self trust, that I begin to "let myself go". I became a big emotional eater...as a teen when stressed I would not eat as food was the enemy, but during college it begin to pack on....and became the way I dealt with stress. What most people that are thin don't know or understand until they experiencing weight gain is the shame that comes with it. I had no idea of the hurt or pain that many heavy adults I knew were experiencing that. I have never excluded another because of weight gain, however I seem to have a different set of standards for myself and deny myself feeling happy and deserving of good things because of my own shortcomings. That being said...I have come to a turning point in my life or at least I hope so.

This was not a "New Year's Resolution" as I really stopped believing in those after so many have failed for me...this is what I am hoping is a lifetime resolution, and I already can feel and in a small way see the benefits. I have began more faithfully doing Weight Watchers..I hate the idea of counting points every day for the rest of my life, but I see it as I would rather do that than continue to be unable to do some things I want to with my children. In addition, I have started going to the gym...it has now been 5 weeks and it seems that the effects are starting to finally kick in. I am amazed that I am getting things done...and although I still fight the dark battle of depression, I am able to do the things I know will keep it from swallowing me whole. I feel like there is hope and it has been a while since I believed...really believed I could lose weight and like who I see in the mirror. I know it starts on the inside..but some of the shame that you experience from major weight gain begins to lessen as you regain that control. SOOO...if you are at the point I was even just a few months ago...hang in there...give it your all, it's worth it. And that is my thought for the day. What life changing habits have you created that make you a happier person?

Catching up...at least trying...

I realize it has been a while--and in fact several months--I have thought many times as things have been going on "Wow, I need to blog about that.." great ideas...however..VERY poor follow through. So I will try and recap the last three months, forgive me as my memory disappears with each year!

• We celebrated Halloween--the girls had a great time--Alyssa was a baby at one event and a dog at another, while Victoria was a "fancy" Vampire. They got their LOAD of candy which is still by some miracle lingering around our home! At what point one tosses it I am not sure---but I do believe we are VERY close to that point!
• We went to San Destin, Florida for Thanksgiving. My parents rented a place for us all to stay and spend a Thanksgiving away from home. Not all my siblings were able to make it, but Denae/Ben and crew (and Ben's mom and step-dad), Aaron, and kids, my parents, Matalyn (Matt's oldest) and our fam all got to go. It was a fun experience. The girls LOVED searching for shells and Torie even spent a lot of time freezing her bootie off in the ocean. They have been begging to go to Florida again. We ate at Cracker Barrel for dinner which was a fun change and had a nice time! Thanks Mom and Dad!
• We joined the St. Peters Rec-Plex. It is a local sports/exercixe facility very near by. We swam the first night and went ice skating the next. However, on the second night, Alyssa fell and Jason's ice skate managed to go over her middle right finger cutting a tendon. It required surgery and stitches. She did great during surgery and is recovering nicely. We are grateful that my parents have a plastic surgeon in their ward (Brent Stromberg) who really made the whole process a lot easier on us parents!
• We celebrated a nice Christmas and my grandparents got to be here from California. It was a nice Christmas we all got "fun" stuff and enjoyed one another, despite the fact I felt a bit like scrooge this year.

All in all the last few months although eventful have been very good and we are looking forward to a wonderful 2010! I will try to blog more often (AND NO IT'S NOT A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!) and will even do an ODE to a sibling, just for you Denae! A belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Pictures to come of Lys's finger and my parents new puppy!

Elements of Friendship

Over the last few months for whatever reason (maybe the lesson in Relief Society a month ago spurred it), but I have been having an intense gratitude for friends. Over the last couple months I have had a variety of experiences each causing me to evaluate my own strengths and weaknesses as a friend. And these are the things I think I have learned....

• In friendship sometimes you are the giver, sometimes the taker...but try not to be one or the other for too long...everyone wants to be needed and everyone has needs.
• Friendships may dissolve...it happens...sometimes due to distance, life changes, etc...it doesn't mean you are a bad friend, if you made a mistake learn from it...I know I make many.
• Sometimes friendships re-kindle and you find that although years have passed things are the same as they once were --just in a different time in your life and there is AMAZING happiness when that happens. You find a piece of your life you didn't know was missing. I know this sounds cheesy but I have had this experience so much in the last few months (in one case thanks to Facebook) and it's just AWESOME!
• Don't be afraid to express your love for your friends or gratitude for their gifts and talents. I am surrounded by so many talented and wonderful people...I always had a hard time expressing my love for people..but something in me has changed and if I see a talent or am grateful for someone, I now try to express it. Life is so fragile and I don't want to miss a moment.
• Some of the best friends can be found in the rarest of situations. My Dad and Mom have a gift for enveloping those around with kindness and friendship. Sometimes we think that if we don't have TONS in common with a person, then what's the point of the friendship. Too many times in my own life, it is those I have the least in common with that can teach me the most about a whole different world that I know nothing about. (Don't get me wrong I am not out on skid row...just sometimes people that I wouldn't have thought of...)

I don't write this because I know it all...I don't and am learning...but I am so grateful for the treasured friends that I have and through them I see God's hand in my life. I only hope that I can be that friend in return. Thanks Ash, Betsy and Heather especially for helping me to remember what friendship is really all about..

What have you learned about friendship? Who has inspired you?

Who am I?

Okay---so really, I don't want my blog to be about DEEP stuff all the time, but I am a thinker and frightening as it may be...it comes out a only a little bit on this blog. SO, Sunday my family was together, with some friends and someone who has known me for a VERY long time....said something that really has disturbed me...she said "Yeah...you were a tough one, Melanie" (referring to my teenage years...). Really? Seriously? I recently was also informed that another woman in my ward told my mother I was a rebel back in my teen years...again ---seriously? I know people say things without really thinking them through...but if I was a rebel it was a pathetic one. I can only hope and pray that my girls are the kind of "rebel" I was---I guess if you are Mormon you have a different perspective of what a REBEL is...but to me dancing close at church dances, drinking Dr. Pepper, talking during seminary (and occasionally showing up late---can you believe it), and kissing boys (NOTHING more) does NOT define a rebel. Don't get me wrong I liked to portray that I was on the edge...(no one wanted to be "too good" ) but truth be told---I wasn't.
So what misinterpretations or things have others noted about you---that couldn't be more incorrect?

What's up at this end.....

So it's been a month since I last updated and I am embarrassed to say that a myriad of amusing/exciting things have happened, hence why I haven't blogged---I have been busy...

• Victoria started 3rd grade...it just doesn't seem right. She is doing okay---but having a bit of a hard adjustment to the "mean kids" that seem to end up in every class. She takes so much to heart that it eats her alive sometimes...I am not sure where she gets it (hope you can sense the sarcasm there!) And let me tell you I had no idea that such words as "definitely" and" San Francisco" could be 3rd grade spelling words! I discovered after way too may years to count, that definAtely is NOT spelled with an "A"--harsh reality for me.
• Victoria also started soccer again---she has a new coach and her colors are black and bright orange---perfect for the fall---just wish they'd get new ones in the Spring.
• Victoria has started piano and starts choir tomorrow morning---we haven't been keeping up well with piano since her teacher (Grandma) has been out of town for almost 2 weeks, (gotta blame someone right?) but we ARE trying.
• Alyssa started dance two weeks ago---she Loves it!
• Alyssa ALSO started pre-school last week for 2 1/2 hours a day---3 days a week----giving me what? FREE TIME! I am having a bit of a hard time with it---just really missing her---but give it another week or two and a few more miserable trips to the store WITH her and I think I will start really enjoying it.
• Alyssa also turned 4 AND got her ears pierced---I have a TON of pics---but I am handicapped when it comes to downloading pics from the camera and CD's so that is why often there are very few on here.

All in all things are good. I am really looking forward to a GIRLS weekend out. This weekend my Mom and I are driving to Owensboro, Kentucky where my best friend growing up (Ashly) is meeting us---as here Mom lives there and we are going to play. I can hardly wait---NO KIDS---FUN PEOPLE!---RELAXATION---NO RESPONSIBILITY---you get the picture...I am hoping to come back refreshed and possibly ready to get back to reality. Well there you have it an update...and it's ALL for you Shannon---BTW---how often do I have to update it to avoid the "YOU NEVER UPDATE YOUR BLOG" comments from you Shannon? Give me a heads up!

Too Deep

I write this post with a bit of hesitation as it is quite a bit personal. I am not looking for sympathy or pity...more just an outlet. So here goes...

The last few weeks and months have been hard on me, my little family and my extended family. So much has happened over the last year it has been hard to blog at times for fear of just whining and spilling out every emotion that I have been feeling, which unfortunately at times have been less than positive. Just about two weeks ago, my Dad had another stroke. Yes, this is part of the disease, and is to be expected, however with every stroke comes the harsh reality that life is fragile. My father's especially right now. Not knowning whether we have today, tomorrow, or years. It seems that we are losing bits of him all the time, as he once said of his own father when he passed away, " I lost my Dad a long time ago." I have shed many tears in quiet moments by myself, and had embarrassing times in public realms when something touches a tender spot and the tears flow without control. It's hard to see my Mom suffer and be unable to ease the pain. Above all though, it's painful to see my Dad suffer. The biggest challenge of this disease is that it comes and goes...some things are constant, but often he will say things and not remember he has even said them, while other times he will almost be the Father I have always known. He knows that he is dying bit by bit and fears being stuck in a body and mind that isn't working, but is helpless.
One of my biggest faults is that I want to make everything all better, I want to fix things, everyone else and have peace. This time there is very little I can do and my heart aches in my helplessness. I know I am not alone in my pain, as I have siblings who hurt as well, but we each feel things differently and handle them in seperate ways. I will say that it has pulled us together on more than one occassion, and wonder if this is something we are supposed to gain from this experience. Again, I know the basics and know this is all part of a plan that I often don't clearly understand, and it is all for a purpose, but there are days when the overwelhming hurt of losing a parent when I feel far too young and unprepared seems plainly unfair.

Three days of bliss:

In the beginning of June our crew went to Santa Clause, Indiana. First of all let me tell you, if you live in the midwest and haven't been, it is a must do. We loved it. It is a small---very small---town that has an amusement park and water park called Holiday world. We opted to go for three nights. However, here is the catch---anyone that knows me, would guess I am not quite a camping girl---and that is truly the case. Bugs love me, making it less than desirable for me to spend too much time outside, but I digress. We opted for the cheaper option and stayed at Camp Rudolph. Now this camp is NOT roughing it by any means, but we did sleep in a tent and that was roughing it enough for me. Thank goodness for air matresses --which made sleeping on the ground dealable. It was funny to have the girls all over the mattresses as I would inadvertantly catipult them. There was lots of laughs. We had lots of fun together as a family even though we did get rained on, two of the nights. It was a good bonding trip and a nice getaway without spending too much of our savings. What fun getaways have you done this summer?