Too Deep

I write this post with a bit of hesitation as it is quite a bit personal. I am not looking for sympathy or pity...more just an outlet. So here goes...

The last few weeks and months have been hard on me, my little family and my extended family. So much has happened over the last year it has been hard to blog at times for fear of just whining and spilling out every emotion that I have been feeling, which unfortunately at times have been less than positive. Just about two weeks ago, my Dad had another stroke. Yes, this is part of the disease, and is to be expected, however with every stroke comes the harsh reality that life is fragile. My father's especially right now. Not knowning whether we have today, tomorrow, or years. It seems that we are losing bits of him all the time, as he once said of his own father when he passed away, " I lost my Dad a long time ago." I have shed many tears in quiet moments by myself, and had embarrassing times in public realms when something touches a tender spot and the tears flow without control. It's hard to see my Mom suffer and be unable to ease the pain. Above all though, it's painful to see my Dad suffer. The biggest challenge of this disease is that it comes and goes...some things are constant, but often he will say things and not remember he has even said them, while other times he will almost be the Father I have always known. He knows that he is dying bit by bit and fears being stuck in a body and mind that isn't working, but is helpless.
One of my biggest faults is that I want to make everything all better, I want to fix things, everyone else and have peace. This time there is very little I can do and my heart aches in my helplessness. I know I am not alone in my pain, as I have siblings who hurt as well, but we each feel things differently and handle them in seperate ways. I will say that it has pulled us together on more than one occassion, and wonder if this is something we are supposed to gain from this experience. Again, I know the basics and know this is all part of a plan that I often don't clearly understand, and it is all for a purpose, but there are days when the overwelhming hurt of losing a parent when I feel far too young and unprepared seems plainly unfair.