Okay, so I have thought a WHOLE lot about this for the last couple of months...and wondered what I have done with the crosses life has given to me (or through actions of my own I have created) and have I turned them into some kind of studwork for the mansion I am hoping to create out of my life....Too deep?
If you had to list the top things that were your so called "crosses to bear" what would they be and what have you done with them? I have thought about this a lot and for me ---this is more personal than I usually delve into on my blog ---but these would be the things and what I have done whether good or bad with them....you may already know these things but I will divulge them anyways...Mmmmh I do believe I am rambling.
Top one---of course my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---not my own choice of course, but has undoubtedly changed my life and who I am. Many people have no clue what "being Obsessive Compulsive" means, but it means that you don't ever have a day free of worry. You worry about everything from the way that your house is cleaned, to the way that your children appear. It is a constant---medications make it livable, but definatley not gone. Okay...so that's the downer....the upper is that I am a different person because of it---I have been able to discuss my disorder with many and found that they too suffered from it ---I have hopefully been able to help others not feel so alone in their trial. One of my biggest pet peeves about it though is that people use the term "OCD" so loosely---I am NOT talking about when they are like oh that's my OCD--ha ha ha---it's when the say "oh I used to have OCD"---it's not something that just goes and comes...it is a part of life. Okay...so OFF my soapbox on that.
The next would of course be "ERIK" ---other than saying it caused an emotional break down and was the most obsessive relationship of my life...it certainly was a cross to bear. It caused me to question everything I had believed and was. It was a choice of my own to date him, but the consequences struck me like nothing I had quite experienced before. It stole my innocence and taught me how the "world was". I won't delve further...I know it gave me compassion towards others who had been cheated on and emotionally abused and manipulated and I can only hope that I do well with this one.
Lastly---REALLY hope this isn't a "debbie downer" blog today----was when I was in college and my best friend's cousin was killed in a car wreck. I will spare all the details...but it gave me a run in with death closer than I had known before. The other deaths I had experienced up until this point all made sense...my grandpa was sick and elderly (or so I thought---I now know he was only 68 which is MUCH younger than I knew)---but this seemed to defy all I had previously known. Teenagers, and children weren't supposed to die. It consumed my heart in ways I still can't express, however since then I have had several close friends lose brothers, sisters, parents and even a child recently...and I feel/hope that I am not afraid to discuss death with people...as a result of having experienced this challenge.
Okay...so there it is...what helps me "me" ...now what makes you "you"-???? Feel free to
comment away after all this IS a loaded question!
UPDATE: FYI---think this was misinterpreted a bit--wasn't meant sacreligious...just should have titled it--what has changed and created who you are?
5 comments:
i guess for me, the way I see it is it matters more how I handle the little day to day things life throws at me because *those* are the things that help me when the *biggies* come my way. It's like all the these little experiences take me tiny steps closer or further away from the person I want to be. And I guess since they happen more often, overall, I feel like they have influenced who I am more than the big challenges have. make sense?
Yeah with you there Ash---unfortunately I think I am better at dealing with BIG traumas than I am the day to day living thing---kinda ironic.
I think what makes me "me" is the gospel. I couldn't be where I am without it. All my desires, hopes, dreams are rooted on it's principles. So now I'm dealing with changing my life to have a happier home and be a better mom ... where do I turn for help ... you got it -- THE GOSPEL, the church, strong leaders,strong friends, great gospel-living examples. Not to sound "gooddie, goodie" but when I think of where & who I would be today if I didn't have the gospel I'm horrified!!!
I would have to agree with Pinky's comment. I think you have to look at who had the greatest cross to bear - Jesus Christ. When he suffered, he didn't just take on one big package deal for us as a group - he suffered for each of us individually. He knows how bad it can get - and why does he let us "suffer"? Do we think "why did this happen to me?" We have to remember, we have to have these experiences to bring us to Him. We have to understand we can't do this alone and He will pick up the pieces and carry us to where we need to be if we only let Him. Only He can heal our hearts.
As you know, Melanie, I have been having some challenges, especially lately :) My goal tho, is to not only endure them but to be able to endure well. After years of experience I have learned for myself that the answer is in looking to the Lord and focusing on the whole picture, not just the right now. Working in the temple has been a great strength to me. I saw something yesterday that I have seen many times before but yesterday I saw it differently. In the Celestial Rm of our temple there is a wallpaper that if you look at it from 3 or 4 ft away it looks like an interesting mix of patches of two colors. If you move farther back you can see that those dark and light spaces become daisy-like flowers. Yesterday I realized that that is like life. You have to back up and get the whole picture to appreciate what is really happening.
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